im at home from skool today, for reasons too personal to disclose- yes, i did just write that. anyways. and i have two hours of alone time while my brothers at skool while i debate getting online or not to do a quick post. i wonder... so i dont remember exactly when my last post was or what it was about so let me just tell you exactly what has been going on in my life....in non-sequential order.

one- me and nathan broke up. like a week ago. cuz i have been paranoid as shit about him cheating on me with one of my close friends. lets just say, i borrowed her cell phone and yes, i was a crappy friend and checked her text messages and there was one from him and it said "cuz i want your pussy".... then there was a draft that said "i love you"... and he asked me if it would be allright with me if he de-virginized her... i mean.. what the hell? how do you ask your girlfriend that? i said it was cool, to just use a condom but thats only cuz i didnt want to flip on him or appear to be a bad girlfriend. and both of them sneak out every single night and just go driving around. hm... i dont trust that and i dont think i should. sorry- this is all i've been thinking about lately and its really pathetic cuz we cant break up cuz im afraid hes gonna kill himself. he was like "we cant be friends after this" when i was trying to break up with him and he said "im just gonna go for a walk until i get hit by a car" and all this 'i love you' bullshit and i really need you crap and whatever. i fell for it. im stuck with him. damn me. damn us. cuz i cant even talk to him about it so im fuckin screwed. how do you talk about it anyway? anyways.

two- i learned how to ride a motorcycle over thanksgiving. my legs and crotch were soo sore.

three- my birthday, nov.10, started out awesome. nathan surprised me at skool with gifts and he sang me songs on his acoustic guitar and it was just... dreamy... but then i got home and my grandma (who was there to celebrate it with me) was in a bad mood and there was supposed to be this famous hott skater at the mall and we had to leave cuz my dad was in a bad mood but still wanted to take me out to dinner... most awkward experience ever, by the way. and it just sucked.

three- i couldnt write this at skool and post, but i have been soo suicidal. i've never cut myself this much. im using effin bobby pins if i cant find anything else. and im doing soo many drugs now, so many pills. more than before. im on something like everyday. bars. vikadin. tripple c's. adderoll. you name it, man... just to get a reaction. and all the cops at my skool know my name now. and i actually have lost a few friends becuz i guess im making this druggie me and suicidal me more apparent or something. like, all i ever talk about is drugs. drugs and music, sometimes. if im with dorkbutt we talk about nathan, but thats the only person i talk about him with.. people are starting to know me now as the burnout lesbian.. im talkin to rich and evan and erica and daphney, all the old druggies. waisting all my money on drugs. its shit. cuz i dont really wanna be like this. but i am. and i cant stop. how fuckin pathetic.

four- i bought the hives cd and im in love.

five- i put christmas lights up in my room, the multi colored ones and its jsut so beautiful. i wish i was allowed to use the camera. [[still grounded]] its so pretty but it makes me really depressed. i dont know why.... too many people are saying they dont see me smile anymore. they ask if im ever happy.. which is weird, i think im smiling a lot.. but whatever.. the lights are great? oh and, mom bought an old skool phone that you have to turn to dial.. ya know? too bad i cant use it. its awesome though.

*i dont really know what else to say. i guess im out of touch on this sorta thing. im out. take care.